I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
