this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
