Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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