Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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