I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
