i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
