I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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