The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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