I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
