i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
