ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
