I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
