Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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