She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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