After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
