Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
