That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
