he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
