I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
