I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
