How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
