if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
