An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
