Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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