Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
