Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize