well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
