That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
