Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
