I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize