i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
