My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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