Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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