...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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