She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
