Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
