Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
