If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
