Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
