It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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