Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
