while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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