What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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