the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
