Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He kissed a someone with a penis
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
