im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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