This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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