yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
