oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
