found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
