Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
