You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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