I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
