Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
