I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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