Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
are you so shy because you have an std?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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