how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
