Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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