it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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