I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
