Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
