seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
