two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
