please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
