i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Drunk walkin through police station. America
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
