Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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